The internet’s first “fartreprenuer,” Stephanie Matto, has announced that she’s been secretly dating a United States Senator. Matto shot to fame on OnlyFans and TikTok by farting in jars and then selling them to strangers on the internet. An unnamed NBA player once paid her $100,000 to fly to Las Vegas and fart on him all weekend. Not that we’re judging. Normally, we wouldn’t report on news about personal relations of this nature, but since it involves a United States Senator, we thought we’d engage in some wild speculation as to who it might be.
Matto was the first small business owner to start farting in jars, sealing those jars, and selling them on the internet to strangers. It was a niche market that no one else had thought of before. She practically had a monopoly on the market for a while there. As a result, she has an estimated net worth of $1 million for selling her farts on the internet.
Hooray, capitalism!
She had to retire from selling her farts in a jar in 2022 after she took a trip to the hospital with symptoms that she thought was a heart attack. Everyone initially thought that she was a victim of a COVID vaccine injury since she was too young to be having a heart attack. It turns out that the symptoms were the result of a weird diet she was on that made her extra gassy. As any fan of “WKRP in Cincinnati” can tell you, bad gas can give you symptoms that are similar to angina.
(Yes, we are experts on political romances in Washington, DC, AND late 1970s pop culture. Take that, internet!)
Ms. Matto has managed to continue her internet celebrity career despite no longer selling her farts in jars to strangers on the internet. Last week, she announced that she has been dating a United States Senator for the past several months.
Matto says the Senator slid into her DMs and paid her $10,000 for their first virtual date via webcam. The Senator paid her that enormous sum so that he could watch her eat a meal from Taco Bell. During the date, the unnamed Senator turned off his webcam and… um… well, we hope that he just… watched her?
(Dear Lord, why did we ever pitch this story to our editor in the first place?)
These virtual dates have been going on for the past several months now, according to Matto. She says that she broke things off with the Senator recently. She got creeped out when she noticed that a black SUV had been following her around.
We feel as if it’s our duty to irresponsibly speculate about who this weird Taco Bell fetishist in the US Senate is now. It seems like the right thing to do in this situation. The only thing that we know for a fact is that the Senator is a man.
A quick internet search tells us that the only unmarried men in the Senate are Lindsay Graham (R-SC), Cory Booker (D-NJ), and Tim Scott (R-SC). We can safely rule those three out because… well, you can guess why. Let’s just say they wouldn’t be interested in Ms. Matto, whether she’s gassy or not.
There’s another rule of thumb that applies to almost all scandals in Washington, DC, that we should apply here. If a scandal involves money, it’s almost always a Democrat. If it involves weird sex stuff, it’s almost always a Republican. That narrows it down a bit more.
We’ll leave it up to the readers’ speculation at this point. Which (probably Republican) US Senator do you think has been paying the farts-in-a-jar girl to watch her eat Taco Bell for the past few months?
