The 2024 Paris Olympics have been a truly disgusting spectacle. We’re not just referring to the opening ceremonies or those hulking transgenders punching the daylights out of the lady boxers (although those were gross, too). Perhaps they thought it would be historically significant, but whatever the reason, someone on the International Olympic Committee thought it would be a good idea to force many of the athletes to swim in the Seine River, which flows through the middle of Paris. One triathlete had to projectile vomit ten times after climbing out of the water.
The Seine is one of the most polluted rivers in all Western civilization. The river has been used as a convenient sewer by the inhabitants of Paris for more than 2,000 years. For the past century, no one has been allowed to swim in the Seine because the water is so toxic. There’s so much sewage and industrial pollution in the water that you’re guaranteed to catch E. coli or something worse if you decide to go for a swim in the dirty brown water.
Fishing is allowed on the Seine, but only catch-and-release. You have to throw a fish back if you catch one because every species has been declared unfit for human consumption.
The French government decided that to make this Olympics extra special, they’d clean up the river! They forced the taxpayers to pony up $1.5 billion to clean up the Seine. Never mind the fact that it takes decades to restore a polluted body of water, which we know from our own environmental cleanup adventures here in the United States.
Note that the French did not try to clean the river up for the sake of the people of Paris. They didn’t clean the river for the sake of the environment, either. They cleaned up the river because there was going to be a sports TV show featuring out-of-towners. Priorities!
On July 30, the Olympic triathlon events were postponed because the water tested positive for E. coli. On July 31, it was off to the races!
One female triathlete described the 1-mile swim through the Seine as horrifying. She said she felt things brushing up against her in the water that no human being should ever have to experience.
Canadian men’s triathlete Tyler Mislawchuk had a much worse time. He crossed the finish line in ninth place, crawled out of the water, and proceeded to projectile vomit ten times in a row. Multiple triathletes were seen staggering around sick after the event, although Mislawchuk was the only one who lost his lunch.
In fairness, Mislawchuk says that he swallowed a lot of water during the race, but it was the exertion that caused him to upchuck. Maybe that’s true, or maybe he’s just saying it because the IOC told him to. Either way, we’re guessing that he will be making his way to a clinic soon to get tested for E. colie, rabies, AIDS, and who knows what else after swimming in the Seine.
Following the $1.5 billion cleanup effort, Paris Mayor Anne Hidalgo went for a swim in the river to prove that it was safe. She described the water as “sweet and wonderful,” which seemed like an odd word choice. The water is brown. It’s clearly brown. Just look at it. It’s brown!
We genuinely feel bad for the athletes who were forced to swim in that gunky water. What do you think? If you could go to Paris right now, would you consider the Seine River safe enough to go for a swim?
