Victoria’s Secret to Fire the Ugly Men in Lingerie and Bring Actual Sexy Models Back

Bambax /
Bambax /

Someone in the advertising department of Victoria’s Secret made a catastrophic decision to make Megan Rapinoe their new brand ambassador. Rapinoe is an ugly, Skittles-haired soccer lesbian with the body of a 10-year-old boy, so hiring her would be more inclusive. At least that’s the excuse that the liberal white ladies in the marketing department used to convince the Victoria’s Secret board of directors of this plan. As a fervent social justice warrior, Rapinoe immediately set about turning the iconic Victoria’s Secret brand into a Barnum & Bailey circus freak show, circa 1910. Pay 10 cents, and you can have a look at the bearded lady.

Instead of realizing that her job as a brand ambassador was to work on increasing sales for Victoria’s Secret, Rapinoe set about to destroy her new employer. She upended everything about the brand that made it successful in the first place. She started by insulting the brand’s core customer base: Husbands who like to buy fun and sexy bedroom outfits for their wives.

Rapinoe blasted the original Victoria’s Secret messaging as “really harmful.” She said the message was, “Patriarchal, sexist, viewing not just what it meant to be sexy but what the clothes were trying to accomplish through a male lens and through what men desired.”

Um… AND??

Yeah. That was the job, Ms. Rapinoe. The whole job in a nutshell. Why was that a problem, since that has always been the Victoria’s Secret brand?

Anytime a board position opened up at Victoria’s Secret, Rapinoe demanded that it be filled by a woman—preferably an unmarried one who doesn’t know the first thing about men or lingerie. She then set about destroying the iconic Victoria’s Secret fashion, which made legends out of past supermodels like Heidi Klum, Tyra Banks, and Ariana Lima.

In a recent Victoria’s Secret fashion, all of the models were either A) unattractive, B) crippled, C) men, or D) all of the above. The show was so disgusting that it featured all of the following in slinking underwear on the runway:

  • Amputees
  • Women with Down’s syndrome
  • Women with dwarfism
  • Obese women
  • Fat men with beards
  • Women with spina bifida in wheelchairs

It was grotesque. It was so disgusting that we won’t even show you the video. Unless you’re a truly warped person with an unbalanced sense of what beauty is, you would just want to tie a rope around your neck, throw it over a tree branch, and plunge yourself into the cold, black abyss after watching it.

You’re welcome.

We don’t mean this as a knock on the disabled people who were featured in the fashion show. We feel sorry for them, because they’re being exploited by Megan Rapinoe, who is a truly ugly person inside and out.

The Victoria’s Secret brand is incredibly simple. Their entire target audience is married men. Married men see the Victoria’s Secret ads with the sexy supermodels and decide to buy something for their wives. That’s it. That’s the whole brand.

No married man is going to look at a transgender biological male with his junk peeping around the sides of a pair of panties and think, “I bet my wife will look good in that!”

They’ll just take their money elsewhere.

After losing millions of dollars and being forced to close 250 physical stores nationwide—thanks entirely to Megan Rapinoe—Victoria’s Secret has decided to fire all the fat men with beards and replace them with the sexy supermodels that the company has always been known for. It may be too little, too late, though. Rapinoe may have managed to singlehandedly turn Victoria’s Secret into the Bud Light of the lingerie world.