Paul Pelosi Hammer Attacker Wanted to Interview Nancy While Wearing an Inflatable Unicorn Costume

Melanie Lemahieu /
Melanie Lemahieu /

We all knew that something weird was happening up in the Chateau de Pelosi last year when a crazy guy armed with a hammer slipped by Nancy’s round-the-clock Capitol Police surveillance, got into the house, and got up to some sort of shenanigans with Paul Pelosi. When the cops finally showed up on that bizarre night last year, David DePape clubbed Paul Pelosi in the head with a hammer. DePape was found guilty on all charges this week, which was a foregone conclusion, but it was the gear that he brought with him that is raising eyebrows all of a sudden.

During the trial, it was revealed that DePape brought a wide variety of stuff along with him for his visit with Paul Pelosi. Prosecutors revealed that DePape had brought a sledgehammer in addition to the hammer that was ultimately used to crack Paul Pelosi’s skull. He also had zip ties, gloves, duct tape, cash, a Canadian passport, a Canadian birth certificate, men’s clothing, and a video game console. Oh, and he also had two multi-colored inflatable unicorn costumes with him.

So… a normal night when Nancy Pelosi is out of town?

Other than the inflatable unicorn costumes, most of the stuff sounds like a long-lost pothead son is moving back in after flunking out at college. As much as the media tried to paint DePape as some big MAGA Trump supporter last year when the attack happened, they can’t escape the fact that DePape is a homeless vegan who lives in an RV in Berkeley (not exactly a ton of Trump support in that demographic).

He’s also clearly crazy, but doesn’t it sound like he was sort of moving in? He brought his ID from Canada (his home country), several changes of clothes, and his video game console.

Testifying in his own defense, DePape stated that he had come up with a “grand plan” to lure various people to Nancy Pelosi’s home so he could interrogate them and get them to admit they were criminals. Among the people that DePape wanted to interrogate were George Soros, former Attorney General Bill Barr, former Vice President Mike Pence, actor Tom Hanks, Congressman Adam Schiff, Senator Bernie Sanders, Nancy Pelosi, Nancy Pelosi’s nephew Gavin Newsom, and academic Gayle Rubin from the University of Michigan.

We’re not making this up. That was his list, and he supposedly wanted to interrogate all of them while wearing one of the inflatable unicorn costumes.

Once he had wrested confessions of their criminality from all of them, he was going to have Joe Biden pardon all of them.

“It’s just easier giving them a pardon so we can move forward as a country,” said DePape as he was crying on the stand.

When he was asked why he clubbed Paul Pelosi in the head with a hammer once the police arrived, DePape responded, “I reacted because my plan was basically ruined. He was never my target and I’m sorry that he got hurt.”

We still have so many questions. This guy seems like a genuinely crazy person. He’s also a great big, gigantic, fat slob, so he’s kind of hard not to notice. Yet somehow, DePape managed to slip through several layers of sophisticated security provided by Capitol Police. There are probably motion detectors and lasers and all kinds of things protecting the Pelosi home that we don’t know about. Yet this guy slipped past all of that security and got into the house for a long time before the cops ever showed up.

Did he slip by security, or did Paul Pelosi let him into the house? We don’t know, but… we’re also kind of wondering who that second multi-colored inflatable unicorn costume was for.